Too Much Information!
Two of my non-doctor ex-boyfriends diagnosed me with ADHD in our respective relationships. I thought nothing of it, moving myself to Google symptoms every four years once I recalled the commentary. If I have it, I can’t afford to get officially tested and diagnosed. I can’t say that I agree or disagree with the diagnosis, but let’s just say that maybe two men who never really “got” the Roni experience mistook a woman who’s absolutely eccentric and full of writing ideas for somebody with ADHD. Possibly both. It’s not a bad thing, so don’t quote me saying I think people who have it are bad. It’s just….probably not the best way to describe me.
Jovial, child-like, stuck in the 90s, in touch with (most) of my emotions, and unafraid to express them — these are the things I think describe me a lot better. Another set: a tad easily overwhelmed, maybe easy to distract sometimes, and absolutely an escapist from the darkness of the real world. I like what I like, despite the judgment behind it, and find ways to dodge the disrespect because people tend not to take me seriously/expect much of me.
In all those little words and descriptions, I am me.
My mind is a place where the channel isn’t constantly changing, but the same stuff isn’t always on. Maybe I’m one of those PnP TVs and your eyes are darting from show to show. Maybe I’m the TV and a handheld tablet, and the PC is on in the background. I can be a bit much for the average person, but it’s really not that serious. Maybe I’m different in a way that needs specific understanding, not just a write-off about special snowflakes and participation trophies. (Newsflash, I hated those trophies. Give me something for actually doing something, not a dang pity-pat on my head!)
How It Began
Before I lose you and trail off into a tangent (or “get on my soapbox” as my Gen-X ex would say…), allow me to get to the point — I absorb a lot of media. Probably way too much. Probably because after 2001, my media consumption time went unmonitored. Give a girl dial-up, let her find an MSN Chatroom, various search engines, and the world was all hers for hours. It wasn’t as overwhelming then because I wasn’t all over the place juggling a lot of memories, likes, and other crap in my head. I watched the same ten to fifteen TV shows, had the capacity to recall lots of my favorite songs and music videos, and left even more space for anime and horrible OC catgirl stories. I was younger, and the concept of being overwhelmed wasn’t as strong. I was still escaping with writing, music, and my horrific romantic doll plays (featuring scissor-butchered versions of these poor things) on my nightstand.
I could absorb and multitask a lot better than I can now, and that’s because I have a lot more to deal with as an adult. Who doesn’t? When I was a teenager, my list of expectancies was short: go to school, get good grades, study, do my chores, go to bed. Sure, I was allowed to watch TV and do other things, but my dad paid my cell bill, I didn’t have a job, and my hair was usually laid-ish because his girlfriend at the time had me on a hair re-up schedule. So of course I could take in tons of shows and music videos and trending news. Since the Internet wasn’t as…busy (it sort of was) as it is now, my head was still down in a GameBoy Color and a good book. My eyes were ruined by years of SNES games, and my hands were already on the PS2 crooked wrist/carpal tunnel trail. The capacity was wide open, despite my super-eccentric ways back then. In other words, the computer was fresh, the data was compressed, and I was still thinking I was about to be married by 2008 with three kids and a stunning writing career.
Picture It: Marietta, 2018…
I was dumb enough to open my entire self, crazy and all, to this super-hot and very mouthy 40-something IT Engineer who ate KIND bars on purpose and binged watched his butt off. When I told him how I felt about certain popular shows, I absolutely said it as I meant it — I wasn’t usually interested in super popular shows because everyone else was into them. For the most part, this was true. I knew of certain shows but didn’t watch every single one. The interest wasn’t there because I was already watching other stuff. The gatekeeping superfans also turned me off. Also, the inconsiderate fools who couldn’t wait a day…to…ya know…um…spoil things?
I found myself absolutely uninterested in indulging in another thing. I get that my simple way of expressing it seemed super snobby and dumb, but what I was trying to say was that aside from all the gatekeeping and drama, I was already satisfied with my queue of shows. It would have been hard to keep up with anything else. Hell, the way I fell off with Homeland, Gotham, and HTGAWM are super examples. I was absolutely invested in those shows! One little slip-up became a week of missing episodes, then months and seasons. The next thing I know, they’re all over and I’m still trying to find time to catch up and complete them. There was no room for FOMO. I was already missing out, and couldn’t find my way back.
I would find myself stopping and feeling unsure when I would push to make an effort to catch up. I have so much floating around in my head that there never seems to be a right time. Don’t I care about these shows? Of course I do. I did at some point. These shows were engaging, well-written, and had the kind of suspense that made me hate knowing the credits were soon to roll. They were Tweet and hashtag-worthy moments that flooded my timeline with live-blogging action. Why was it so hard to vocalize that point of view with him? I found myself binge-watching shows I did indeed like, but I was having a hard time remembering things. I often felt a little trapped. I still haven't finished the last parts of BoJack, OITNB, G.L.O.W., Food Wars, My Hero Academia, and goodness knows what other stuff I have forgotten. What should be a list of to-dos has spiraled and exploded into an overwhelming list of shows I’d rather sweep under the rug. The catch-up game has gone beyond “oops I totes forgot”, and is now an ever-growing stack of shows collecting dust in the back of my mind, teetering behind the real-life stuff: health, debt, relationships, and my writing. I can’t pile it all on the plate at once, just because somebody else (although he’s long gone at this point) thought I should. He wanted me to get over a lot of things, and I wanted to explain myself in what seemed to be an absolutely impossible way.
That’s just the thing — I didn’t want to watch too much else because I wasn’t ready. If not that, can’t I just be not interested? Why was that such a bad thing? Sometimes it’s ok not to try something new if you feel like it’s not for you. Especially if it isn’t mandatory. I don’t think the refusal to watch or embrace something should cause anyone to get huffy. I just needed to clear my mental cache and set up a time to watch. A part of me feels bad about just plainly saying I avoided certain things because they were popular. It ran deeper than that. I was afraid he wouldn’t get it. He got it at first, then it slid into a place I liked to call “humorous judgment” where I was wrong for feeling like I did, and his way was supposed to fix it. It wasn’t as funny when a part of me was pretending to enjoy myself, and I would have much rather been playing a game or watching a comforting rerun.
I think my ex probably thought I didn't want to be with him, which was wrong. I know he thought I was being soft and emotional over nothing, and I refused to add fuel to that fire by calling him too dumb to get where I was coming from. he isn't a bad person, but it seemed easier to roll with things. Going over capacity made me worry that I was going to forget important things. Call it an anal thing, a Virgo thing, or a writer thing, but there is always an ongoing series of to-do lists, stories, and manifestations in my head. Goals change, desires shift with time, and a good show helps me unwind. However, too many shows and characters and plots just screw me up. I can say that now, looking back on whatever Tumblr post about capacities gave me the ability to vocalize the problem at hand.
I can, however, say he was right about one show. He pushed and pushed, and I instantly got into it. I ate up the storylines, I fell in love with fictional characters, and I have at least two pieces of licensed merch in my possession. (With about 20 more hand-selected pieces in carts and wishlists.) I sing the theme songs, look for memes, and am looking forward to reading the manga when I have more space for books. He gets props for JJBA. That’s it.
I watch a lot of reruns because I know what will happen. A good story brings me comfort, and a predictable one is like seeing an old friend. I watch some of the same genres and shows because I can expect a similar formula. Sometimes I deviate and am surprised. I never thought I would be able to stomach a show like The Affair, but ate it up from start to finish. I usually can’t stand too much drama but ate up Filthy Rich (I miss that show soooooo much!!!) and indulged in the sizzling heat of Masters of Sex. Yet for every one of my indulgences, I have lists of popular shows I knew or know of, but just don’t see myself watching. The hype didn’t pull me in. I’m not saying they’re bad shows, just not the show for me. I probably won’t know if I don’t give them a chance, but again — the capacity.
I suppose all of this is super contradictory, seeing as I constantly absorb other forms of media. I catch up with at least 15 webcomics through WEBTOON, subscribe to 400+ people on Instagram, and follow even more on TikTok and YouTube. I’m reading about three books at once (on and off), and my other guilty pleasures are waiting in tabs on my iPhone and iPad as we speak. So really, am I overwhelming myself?
I forget things all the time and I hate it. Sometimes I’ll forget right in the middle of starting, feeling lost in a mental fog or allowing myself to be distracted by something else. I devote myself to a lot of things to broaden my writing skills and keep in the know. The way this world works, you can easily miss overnight changes if you look away for just a second. You can blink and miss the hottest tea of the moment. Perhaps it sounds a little dumb and silly to say I don’t have much room left, but I have to be the master of my intake. I have to put my foot down and process what’s already there. Sometimes, multitasking can be too much.
The Blunt Truth
Sometimes, it all comes down to whether or not I personally give a flyin’ f*ck about a show. So, my “basic explanation” to my ex is true…sometimes. I don’t care if everyone likes it, I don’t care if it’s freakin’ “Certified Fresh”, and I refuse to drop everything because the beloved acting hunk flavor-of-the-year is in the leading role. Maybe I’m getting run-of-the-mill vibes. Maybe it’s on during something else, and I still don't care enough to catch it on-demand or online. Although I like to avoid the “above it all and super woke” thing, there are just some shows just have very stupid premises. I might like the players but not the play. Take my Black card away, take my woman card too — a few favorites seem overrated and not as nuanced as the critics and audiences say, and I would rather not get involved. I can’t be thrown in jail for that!
There are times when I don’t get the references people throw into the world. There are times when I will just Wiki or Google something to “get it”. There are moments when i will glance out of curiosity, and just keep going. I think that is absolutely okay. Given the state of the pandemic, my personal health, and my current-work-from-home setup, I promise you that I will eventually get to certain shows. I can watch it when I'm open, bit by bit.
